My Experience in Living Alive Phase II
By Libo Ma. Libo travelled from China to take part in this year’s Living Alive Phase II.
It has been more than one month since I finished 26-day Phase II program in Canada. Every time I recall the memory, it is so vivid and just like it happened yesterday. Till now, I can still feel the influence and energy from it even in the totally different “really life”. The program is very powerful!
So many people asked me what I learned in so long time program. If there are several most difficult things for me, to answer it must be the one. Yes, it is very hard to explain what happened inside and outside. I experienced the living alive: fresh air, fresh water, fresh food, fresh body, fresh feeling and fresh heart. Since that I realize that I could be fresh and different in every moment, and also be curious about what will happen in next moment. Now, I can bravely tell the people that I am unique in the universe. It is not easy for me, because it sounds like that I speak up “I am important” in front of people and I will feel nervous.
好多人都问过我：那么长的时间到底学了些什么？参加过Haven学习的朋友可能很有的体会，说清楚这事儿其实挺难的，特别是内在和外在都发生了变化的时候。我经历了更有生命力的“活着”的状态: 清新的空气，纯净的水，新鲜的食物，更重要的是焕然一新的身体，丰富的感受和开放的一颗心。后来我意识到，在每一个当下自己都可以是新鲜而不同的，也让自己保持一份的好奇去看一看下一时刻到底会发生些什么。 现在我可以勇敢的说：我是宇宙间与众不同的。这对我来说可是不容易，因为听起来像是在宣称“我是很重要的！”，之前我会因此而非常紧张。
There are so many juicy experiences in 26 days, we shared the feeling and clarification with each other; we explored the body to be more sensitive; we showed our vulnerability to be more intimate; we tried the new experience and bring ourselves forward; we supported each other with love to dive into the adventure. One word to describe this journey for me: it is the precious treasure to lighten and coach me to explore and grow in the spiritual way till to the end of my life. The light will never be turned off, as it always in my heart; the light will never be controlled by outside, as I guide by myself. I found the peacefulness in my mind: no matter how the world changes frequently, I can have a place to center and settle myself.
I should tell you a true story. I tried so long time to look for the direction and destination. I tried so hard to know myself and break through. I really want to fly freely like others and realize my dream. But I know I can’t because I don’t have wings. I feel unfair, self-critic, depressed and unconfident. I still hope I can grow my wings, so I keep asking the sage, studying in the workshops, learning the life style from successful people, and bring more self-critic power to encourage and hurt myself. Until one day my teacher told me I had strong wings and I just couldn’t see them. The only way to “see” the wings is just to fly. I climbed up a mountain that I had never been; I experienced the uncertainty, fear, doubt, struggle, out-of- patience and pain. I suspected from the bottom of my heart whether I was able to fly. On the top of mountain, with the love and support I just jumped myself into the cliff. After a while I felt the breeze blowing my face, I felt I am flying. With the excitement, I opened my eyes and saw the wonderful scene I had never seen before. Yes, this is my experience in Phase II, and I am still alive and more alive now.
I have more self confidence to go to the strange and “dangerous” place and I am pretty sure I can come back with the special gift. I surrender to embrace all the feelings, “no good no bad” and “no right no wrong”. Haven’s experience is very useful and practical for my real life. I can break through the “scared barrier” when I handle the new work. And I believe everyone has the inherent ability of the wish coming true only if he really believes in his wish. I am on the way and I will be always on the way as there is no destination for growth.
Besides that I also found my limitation in sexuality and identification part. There are several energies depressed very deep by human being: the top 2 is anger , and top 1 is sexuality especial for oriental. How I look on the sexuality, it is the same way I look on myself and even my life. Do I really love my body and accept it even it is not perfect? And do I really accept myself unconditionally? Do I really accept my partner even he will never be changed? I think everyone needs ask these questions to him/herself. The exploration of this part for me is remarkable.
Before I went there I had a big puzzle. I knew the answer could be “A” or “B” and I just didn’t want to choose, because either of it was too painful. I was stuck for a long time. After the program, I was excited to find “C” would be other possibility which would lead me to the new exposure. It is so wonderful! I can see more possibility and have more choices in my life, which is a big fortune and freedom for me, I believe.
At last but not the least, I would like to express my sincere gratitude the all the people who have ever help me grow in the way of Haven. With your loving and warmth, I can have enough courage to change my life and be unregretful in a lifetime journey. 🙂