My Experience in Living Alive Phase II

By Libo Ma. Libo travelled from China to take part in this year’s Living Alive Phase II.

生命的回归

—记加拿大Haven学院阶段二学习归来
It has been more than one month since I finished 26-day Phase II program in Canada. Every time I recall the memory, it is so vivid and just like it happened yesterday. Till now, I can still feel the influence and energy from it even in the totally different “really life”. The program is very powerful!

完成加拿大26天的阶段二学习已经一月有余，至今回想起那段日子的点点滴滴，还是如此的生动，仿佛就在眼前。当然，它对我生命能量的震动也是巨大的，即便我现在已经身处了完全不同的环境，在每天工作吃饭睡觉的真实生活中，我仍然能够感觉到它的无处不在。它带给了我充满力量的生命回归！

So many people asked me what I learned in so long time program. If there are several most difficult things for me, to answer it must be the one. Yes, it is very hard to explain what happened inside and outside. I experienced the living alive: fresh air, fresh water, fresh food, fresh body, fresh feeling and fresh heart. Since that I realize that I could be fresh and different in every moment, and also be curious about what will happen in next moment. Now, I can bravely tell the people that I am unique in the universe. It is not easy for me, because it sounds like that I speak up “I am important” in front of people and I will feel nervous.

好多人都问过我：那么长的时间到底学了些什么？参加过Haven学习的朋友可能很有的体会，说清楚这事儿其实挺难的，特别是内在和外在都发生了变化的时候。我经历了更有生命力的“活着”的状态: 清新的空气，纯净的水，新鲜的食物，更重要的是焕然一新的身体，丰富的感受和开放的一颗心。后来我意识到，在每一个当下自己都可以是新鲜而不同的，也让自己保持一份的好奇去看一看下一时刻到底会发生些什么。 现在我可以勇敢的说：我是宇宙间与众不同的。这对我来说可是不容易，因为听起来像是在宣称“我是很重要的！”，之前我会因此而非常紧张。

There are so many juicy experiences in 26 days,  we shared the feeling and clarification with each other; we explored the body to be more sensitive; we showed our vulnerability to be more intimate; we tried the new experience and bring ourselves forward; we supported each other with love to dive into the adventure. One word to describe this journey for me: it is the precious treasure to lighten and coach me to explore and grow in the spiritual way till to the end of my life. The light will never be turned off, as it always in my heart; the light will never be controlled by outside, as I guide by myself. I found the peacefulness in my mind: no matter how the world changes frequently, I can have a place to center and settle myself.

26天的生活充满了养分，我们分享感受并彼此核对澄清；我们探索身体并变得更加敏感；我们呈现脆弱并变得更加亲密；我们尝试新鲜并体验挺身向前；我们用爱彼此支持投入心灵的冒险。如果用一句话来形容这段旅程就是：它为我照亮了以及教会了我如何在心灵道路上用一生的时间不断探索和成长，它是我一生的宝藏。我深深的知道，这盏灯不会熄灭，因为它会一直在我心里；我也知道这盏灯不会受外界的操控，因为是我在指引我自己。我找到了心中的笃定：无论外在如何的纷繁复杂、转瞬即逝，我都可以在心中找到一个位置来回归平和。

I should tell you a true story. I tried so long time to look for the direction and destination. I tried so hard to know myself and break through.  I really want to fly freely like others and realize my dream. But I know I can’t because I don’t have wings. I feel unfair, self-critic, depressed and unconfident. I still hope I can grow my wings, so I keep asking the sage, studying in the workshops, learning the life style from successful people, and bring more self-critic power to encourage and hurt myself. Until one day my teacher told me I had strong wings and I just couldn’t see them. The only way to “see” the wings is just to fly. I climbed up a mountain that I had never been; I experienced the uncertainty, fear, doubt, struggle, out-of- patience and pain. I suspected from the bottom of my heart whether I was able to fly. On the top of mountain, with the love and support I just jumped myself into the cliff. After a while I felt the breeze blowing my face, I felt I am flying. With the excitement, I opened my eyes and saw the wonderful scene I had never seen before.  Yes, this is my experience in Phase II, and I am still alive and more alive now.

我想分享一个真实的故事：我花费了很长的时间去努力寻找生命的方向和终点，同时也非常努力的去了解自己突破自己。我真的渴望自己能够翱翔天空、实现梦想。但是我发现自己其实没有翅膀（惊愕ing~~）。我感到不公平，抑郁，丧失自信并开始批判自己。我仍寄希望于能够长出翅膀，所以我不停的努力的去请教大师，参加心理工作坊，学习成功人士的生活经验，然后以更大的自我批判来提醒和激励自己“不能放松，继续努力”，同时也伤害了自己。 直到有一天我的老师告诉我，其实我已经有了一双强壮的翅膀，我只是看不到，而唯一能够“看到”的方法就是去飞翔。然后我就开始去攀登一座从未去过的高山，我忐忑、害怕、怀疑、挣扎、痛苦也对自己失去了耐心，我真的是从心底怀疑自己是否能飞翔。在山顶上，在大家的爱的支持下，我闭上眼睛纵身跃入了悬崖。过了一会儿，我感觉到微风轻抚脸颊，我感觉到了我在飞，感觉到了我的翅膀。兴奋中我睁开眼睛，看到了前所未见的壮丽景象。这就是我的经历，我现在仍然还活着，而且是更有生命力的活着。

I have more self confidence to go to the strange and “dangerous” place and I am pretty sure I can come back with the special gift. I surrender to embrace all the feelings, “no good no bad” and “no right no wrong”. Haven’s experience is very useful and practical for my real life. I can break through the “scared barrier” when I handle the new work. And I believe everyone has the inherent ability of the wish coming true only if he really believes in his wish. I am on the way and I will be always on the way as there is no destination for growth.

我拥有了更多的自信去探索未知 “危险”的领域，而且我非常确信的是：我是可以活着回来的，还会带着一份特别的礼物。我臣服于去拥抱所有的感受，没有好坏也没有对错。Haven的经验对我来说又是具有实操性的，当我开始新的工作任务时，我可以首先穿越对未知的恐惧去迎向它。我相信每个人都有与生俱来心想事成的能力，只要他/她真的相信愿望。我也正在并会一直走在这条路上，因为这是没有终点的成长。

Besides that I also found my limitation in sexuality and identification part. There are several energies depressed very deep by human being: the top 2 is anger , and top 1 is sexuality especial for oriental. How I look on the sexuality, it is the same way I look on myself and even my life. Do I really love my body and accept it even it is not perfect? And do I really accept myself unconditionally? Do I really accept my partner even he will never be changed? I think everyone needs ask these questions to him/herself. The exploration of this part for me is remarkable.

另外，在“性和身份认同”的部分我也发现了很大的成长空间。在被人类深深压抑的能量中，排名第一的就是性的能量，特别对于东方人来说。我是以何种方式来看待性，就会以何种方式来看待自己和生活。我是否能够真正的去爱自己的身体，去接纳自己的身体，即便它是不完美的？我是否能够无条件的接纳自己？我是否能够真正接纳自己的伴侣，即使他/她是永远也不会被改变的？我想每一个人都应该去扪心自问这些问题，以此作为探索的契机。这部分的成长对我来说是至关重要的。

Before I went there I had a big puzzle. I knew the answer could be “A” or “B” and I just didn’t want to choose, because either of it was too painful. I was stuck for a long time. After the program, I was excited to find “C” would be other possibility which would lead me to the new exposure. It is so wonderful! I can see more possibility and have more choices in my life, which is a big fortune and freedom for me, I believe.

在去学习之前，我的心中已有了很大的困惑。我知道问题的答案是A或B，但是一直没有选择的原因是任何一个都是痛苦的。所以，我被“卡”住了很长一段时间。现在我很开心的找到了C这个出口，不知C是否是答案，但它可以指引我去探索更多的可能性。这简直是太精彩了！因为我深信，如果生命中能够拥有更多的可能性和选择，是最大的福祉和自由。

At last but not the least, I would like to express my sincere gratitude the all the people who have ever help me grow in the way of Haven. With your loving and warmth, I can have enough courage to change my life and be unregretful in a lifetime journey. 🙂

最后也是最重要的是，我想对曾经帮助过我在Haven这条路上成长的所有的人，表达诚挚的感谢。没有你们的爱和温暖，我是没有足够的勇气去改变自己，让自己活在无悔的人生中的。 谢谢！