By Cathy McNally.
Person: “I love you”
Ben: “I am happy for you”
These were the words of a wise teacher of mine, Ben Wong. I heard them many years ago. I have understood the premise: if you say you love me, it is your loving, you are feeling it, so I am happy for you.
It is not until recently that I feel the meaning so tangibly and intensely.
In the past weeks and months I have had occasion to feel shaky and light-headed in the wave of loving for a person in memory, a person in front of me, a few close friends, a whole room of 26 other souls…
I am indeed happy for me.
My heart opening to my own loving is a treasured gift only I can give myself.
I know this now in a way that can never be taken from me. I got here by being SO present in each blessed moment. By feeling my openness. Letting the wash of my loving pour over my skin, cells, every fibre of my being. There is no ‘rewind’ on this experience.
Words cannot do it justice.
The path to this place, however, is a wobbly one. I must risk. I will cry. Even the loving hurts. There is no guarantee, no direction signs, no ‘help.’ Only me.
I realize now that I needed to know I was alone, accept my alone-ness – indeed, even choose it. And in this place, in my own skin, make my own choice to open, to love, to crack open the me I have known…and risk not knowing. Risk whatever came. Risk being me. Not needing to be held up. Not needing to be told what to do. Me.
In this raw exposed place, loving IS who I am.
When I feel my loving, I am indeed happy for me. I am not sure there is any greater happiness.
If you ‘get’ this. I am so happy for you.
I love you.